The List

By: Madison

My first serious relationship started off like any other: I met him in school, had lots of laughs together, got nervous holding hands in the hallway. You know, the whole middle school relationship. We started officially dating in 8th grade and continued our relationship into high school. After high school started, things began to change. I could tell he was getting more jealous over things I had no control over and it was obvious he was trying to control me more. The more I resisted and “disobeyed” his orders, the more physical he got. That’s when he made the list.

The list consisted of 50+ bullet points of things I wasn’t allowed to do, and it was written out in large paragraphs explicitly stating how I was to handle every situation and what would happen if I didn’t listen or veered from his specific rules. The list was over 10 pages front and back - which he printed out for me and kept copies for himself. I was not allowed to talk to other men, even if that relationship was completely platonic. If I did, it was because “I was being a slut and sleeping around.” I could not see my best friend or talk to anyone about the problems I was having, regardless of how serious they might’ve been. Wearing any amount of make up made me look like a “whore.” My shorts had to be longer than my fingertips and if my shirt was short enough to see my stomach, he would rip it more to the point that my undergarments would show because “that’s what I was asking for.”

Every time he got upset over anything I said or did, he would punch me in the back, right under my ribs where he knew he could leave a bruise and people wouldn’t see. I can’t even count how many times I was SA by him, just because he knew he could. My life was no longer mine and my body was no longer controlled by me.

In the End: To this day, I still remember what was written on that list because I studied it for hours and hours making sure I knew every rule and obligation I had to him. Thankfully, I was able to leave and get out of that horrible situation, but I’m left with many scars that are still invisible to others. I’m still learning how to unravel the terrors that go on in my mind, but I’m happy to announce that I will never let another man tell me what I can and can’t do, because In the end, I’m the one in control of my own life.